Normally I do not blog from work, but it's getting too much for me to handle at the moment. I've been hyperventilating for most of the morning now and thereby feeling very light headed and faint. So I just took a walk hoping it would get better, but as soon as I came back at work, it started again.
Why am I feeling this way? I just don’t get it, and I do not want to feel this way. So why? Why can’t I just stop it?
In order to break to circle and hopefully get some energy, I decided to call the bike shop and see if they have a battery for my motor on stock. If so I can go there on my push-bike which will take me over half an hour to get there. The other option is to take the bus, but either way, I first need to give them a call.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Relieve
Yesterday I had a talk with my colleague about things you normally don't talk about, let alone with somebody from work. It left me with some weird feelings and questions if it was alright to tell him. But it's a subject we share, so I guess it will be fine.
But once I got home, some other things started to bother me and I called a friend just to get it of my chest. We talked for whole evening, the pour guy. But at least I went to bed empty headed and could sleep a little.
Today I have been feeling very nervous and not myself. Had to go to my GP and had the second part of my intake which was over the phone this time. It was a very nice lady on the other side and we had a good chat about serious stuff, but it wasn't to heavy, and she comforted me with telling me that she thinks she can help me.
But once I got home, some other things started to bother me and I called a friend just to get it of my chest. We talked for whole evening, the pour guy. But at least I went to bed empty headed and could sleep a little.
Today I have been feeling very nervous and not myself. Had to go to my GP and had the second part of my intake which was over the phone this time. It was a very nice lady on the other side and we had a good chat about serious stuff, but it wasn't to heavy, and she comforted me with telling me that she thinks she can help me.
I have finally found therapy!!!!
I went for a walk just to get used to the feeling and get some things in perspective again. Funny how the world looks brighter again if you're looking around with a more clear mindset.
I just had to do some paperwork and sent it to them, but by the end of this week or beginning next week it will all start. It's takes between 13 and 20 weeks, so I know I'm not there yet. But after posting the papers I could let go of some feelings and had some, more or less, happy tears.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Intake
Oeps, for some reason some of my friends got scared about my mental health after reading Saturday's blog. It would have been nice if they gave me a ring or even a text message but I guess they did not know what to say. I do not talk with them about these kind of things since I do not want to be a trouble maker and it's very, very hard for me to talk anyway.
Today I talked to my GP over the phone, and I had an intake with yet another psychologist. This one is over the internet so more talking via the keyboard then face to face, which hopefully is easier to do for me. But first I had to fill out one of those forms again with all those questions about yourself. I find it hard to see my own answers again, and realize that things are not much better then a few month ago. And I finally had a small chat with my mate over the phone this morning, which gave me some ease of mind.
But I did go to Amsterdam last Saturday, even though it was just for a couple of hours, it was nice just to walk around and go to a pub. I used to do that quite often in my younger days, so hopefully I will have the strength to do it more often. One thing; I was certainly not used to all the flirting anymore :)
Today I talked to my GP over the phone, and I had an intake with yet another psychologist. This one is over the internet so more talking via the keyboard then face to face, which hopefully is easier to do for me. But first I had to fill out one of those forms again with all those questions about yourself. I find it hard to see my own answers again, and realize that things are not much better then a few month ago. And I finally had a small chat with my mate over the phone this morning, which gave me some ease of mind.
But I did go to Amsterdam last Saturday, even though it was just for a couple of hours, it was nice just to walk around and go to a pub. I used to do that quite often in my younger days, so hopefully I will have the strength to do it more often. One thing; I was certainly not used to all the flirting anymore :)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Two weeks
It's has been a while since I wrote another blog, and there is a reason for it. The last two weeks haven't been that good and it's hard for me to explain why and how.
Two weeks ago I suddenly went into an extreme depression where I had a fight with my rational and my emotional me. I had feelings I did not wanted to feel but for some reason not able to switch them off. It was the heaviest one I ever had, and it took a walk to relax a bit and a few days to recover.
Last week I went to Luxembourg with my mate. He works there and since it was a short week, it seemed a nice idea to come along. I knew he had to work and I had to entertain myself, which is something I'm not very good at. All thought it was one day I had for myself, it took all my energy just to keep busy. Been driving around, which is one of my fears but at some point I was getting used to it and even had fun at it. But when it started raining in the afternoon and I had nothing left to do the loneliness took control again.
On Thursday, the day after I came home, there was nothing wrong after I woke up. Started to do some things in the house and really was feeling great. But then without any warning came that feeling again. I did not hesitate this time and went outside for a long walk, and that helped.
This weekend I was invited to go boating, so yesterday after work my mate picked me up and we went to the boat. The afternoon and evening where fine, all though my mind was not there all the time, but then came the night. Even though I was feeling extreme tired, I did not sleep at all. Thinking and thinking and wanted to go home to my own bed and misery. This morning when I started to hyperventilate it was enough for me, and I went home. Right now I'm sitting here and I'm fighting against another episode.
Two weeks ago I suddenly went into an extreme depression where I had a fight with my rational and my emotional me. I had feelings I did not wanted to feel but for some reason not able to switch them off. It was the heaviest one I ever had, and it took a walk to relax a bit and a few days to recover.
Last week I went to Luxembourg with my mate. He works there and since it was a short week, it seemed a nice idea to come along. I knew he had to work and I had to entertain myself, which is something I'm not very good at. All thought it was one day I had for myself, it took all my energy just to keep busy. Been driving around, which is one of my fears but at some point I was getting used to it and even had fun at it. But when it started raining in the afternoon and I had nothing left to do the loneliness took control again.
On Thursday, the day after I came home, there was nothing wrong after I woke up. Started to do some things in the house and really was feeling great. But then without any warning came that feeling again. I did not hesitate this time and went outside for a long walk, and that helped.
This weekend I was invited to go boating, so yesterday after work my mate picked me up and we went to the boat. The afternoon and evening where fine, all though my mind was not there all the time, but then came the night. Even though I was feeling extreme tired, I did not sleep at all. Thinking and thinking and wanted to go home to my own bed and misery. This morning when I started to hyperventilate it was enough for me, and I went home. Right now I'm sitting here and I'm fighting against another episode.
I hate me!
My apologies for that line, but I had to put it there. I hope the next blog will be more positive.
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