Sail 2010

I know, it has been a while since I wrote a blog. But as promissed I would write about the good and the bad, and here are some good things in my life.

I had a three week holiday, which I spend most of the time at home, but some days I was on board with my friends who did a sailing trip for three weeks. One of the days I spend on board was during the Sail Inn and I really wanted to share some of the pictures I took.
The feeling of sailing in between those Tall Ships was great, and me and my mate had some tears in our eyes.
On Saterday I took the whole sail walk with another friend and went out into town afterwards. We really had a great and relaxing day.
More pictures at the bottom of this blog.

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On Sunday I did some house cleaning and other stuff, but got borred in the beginning of the evening so I went to the pub. That evening changed a lot of things, and as of then it appears that I'm not single anymore. Oeps, that turned my stomach up side down again, and raised a lot of feelings and questions which I had to deal with this week. To bad, he is in the hospital at the moment, but I saw him twice allready. Today I told my mate about it, which made me nerveus as well. But he responded well. I hope to talk about it a bit more tomorrow.

I don't care

My new look at live has all to do with a "I don't care" kind of attitude. It's not that I do not care, I'm just taking it more relaxed, a bit more emotionally detached. But it's not coming naturally and so it takes some effort to keep that thought alive.

Last weekend I had a weird phone call with an old friend and he tried to make me feel guilty about some things. The "new" me reacted and told him the truth. Well emotionally that went great, but my body responded by starting to shake and I got nauseous again. I discussed that a few days later with the companies doctor and she explained to me that it perfectly normal. It are the hormones that kick in and my body respond to it. Taking a walk or doing something physical should help me out. She also explained that it will get less after I'm used again to handle these kind of situations.

At this very moment my house is one big mess, and I don't care. I have to clean it up the next coming days since I will have visitors staying over for a few days. I'm going to celebrate my birthday on a small island with 30 people, so a lot of things need to be sorted. It's really fun to try and think about all the things you need and so on and I think I managed to get it all. If not, I don't care. It will be a great party anyway with almost all my close friend.

Amsterdam

The whole week has been an weird experience for me with very good and some what more tougher challenges. As you might have seen in the previous blog I had to rate my days at regular intervals. Well it's lower in the mornings and getting better during the day. At least for most of the days since Wednesday was kind of an off day.

On Friday we had a goodbye party where I put on clothes I would never thought about taking that to work. But it's part of who I am and it's time that I show a little bit more of my personal live as well.

I managed to keep my mind clear when an old acquaintance called me in distress. I can not handle other peoples trouble at the moment and so I chose for myself. I had to tell him that, but at first he did not wanted to listen at all. But I was not to take the blame for his own trouble.

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam with a good friend to have a chat and drink on a terrace and shopped for my birthday present. That talking did me good, he saw some changes in the way I behave at the moment and was very proud that I'm doing so well. But since I had relapses before I know I need to be very careful with what I do and how I do things. And after that talk he made me overcome another personal boundary.

For the coming week there is only one thing I need to do. Keep up going the way I'm doing now, and that must be an easy task.

Internet Fraude

This morning at work, when I was waiting for someone to create an account on one of the systems for me, I browsed markplaats.nl. I'm always curious to see what camera's there are for what price when I saw the camera of my dreams for an very unbelievable price. Since I did not trusted it at all, I send the guy an email asking if the price was right (I thought he forgot to add a zero behind it) and if so, it the camera was still for sail.

It took half an hour and there I got an email from him. If you want to read to whole mail you can click here but I will quot a the beginning since that was odd enough.

Hi,
Are you interested in buying my product?The price for my item is 600 euro,all included.My item is new,in excellent condition and I am the first owner,everything is OK.
Now I am in London / Uk, because here is my family and my university.

Apart from the bad English, he is talking about "his product" and he had only one on the site. The second one that was odd is the price. That wasn't 600 in the advert!

So I started to look up the company he wants to use for shipping and all I found where warnings of people. I even googled part of his email, and got multiple hits. He did not even changed his story and tries to sell a lot of stuff this way.

I informed marktplaats.nl about what I discovered. Of which I did not got a response yet, but I hope they will delete his advert soon. And as I am, I looked further and found three more adverts for the same product on other dutch sites. I could not resist and send an email from those sites as well, but he is very quiet now. Surely I informed those sites as well.

Work was pretty lame today. Some issues I could not work on and some that took a long time to discover where and how the problem was created. But once at home I started cleaning yet another cupboard, the one with the most stuff in it, which now has some room left :)

This morning and afternoon the score was a 6. Not very high, but more then good enough for me. Not sure what the evening will bring.
I'm going to do some shopping first and will see :)

Today's score

For therapy I have to keep a score of how I'm feeling on fixed moment during the day. The idea is that you can influence you're feelings and so by measuring them you can learn what is making the changes or where you can make some changes.

6 - This morning I did not start to best. I had a good night sleep but with the weirdest dreams. In one of them I was on a sinking boat, but in a very tight position and not very easy to get off. I had to decide if I had to go over other people's heads, and life's for that matter, to get myself out safely. On my way to work I was not very awake and started asking myself how it comes my mate is so distant the last few weeks.

7 - Work went great, and I got over the feelings in the morning. I had more for lunch then the last few weeks, and everything felt kind of normal again.

7 - Once home I did some work on the balcony and cleaned my cupboards, well half of them anyway, the rest is for tomorrow. But it kept me busy and happy. Cleaned the coffee machine as well and some other little tasks. Even found the time to enjoy the sun once it started shining. But after diner my mind tried to get me in the wrong direction again. Think it's is because like most people, I feel tired after a meal. So that's why there is a 7 for the afternoon and not a 8.

I also had a conversation with my boss, which was also a good experience. He is really pointing out to me to keep and take it easy, and with the first sign of things going the wrong direction, to just take my time. But we also discussed me getting my old responsibilities back, one thing I'm very eager about. But that still has to wait, until we both are sure I've got the strength again.

Changes...

Not sure about the title yet. A lot has happend since the last blog, mainly in my mind.

The bumb realy bursted the last time, and I tried to let my friends into what is going on in my mind. But that is one thing I can not (yet) do apperently. Not sure if it worked out wright or wrong, but it made me look at the world different. I've been holding on to a fairytail far to long, but was afraid to let go. Afraid of the big unknown. Well I did, al least I'm trying very hard and it does do some things with me. At first it made me feel empty and even more scared. Now I try to think more like "who cares", "let go" and "take it easy, take it as it comes". And that changed my view of live and the world. I see things different again, think more in perspective.

Surely I'm far from there yet, but that's where therapy helps. It's an online therapy. It's official and I've got my own therapist whith whome I talk. I can do therapy whenever I want, and he will respond within a working day later. It works for me, since writing is easier then talking for me. Other thing is that I have thereapy twice a week, and that for 13 to 20 weeks. So it's more intens than the traditional therapy.

Our last session was heavy and I showed him one of my blog items. I was about to stop blogging, but he wants me to continue eventhough I have a hard time dealing with some of the responces. That is something that will be dealed with in the last part of the therapy and where we are putting most of the empasish on.

But all by all, I'm feeling a great deal better then before. Just need to be aware of the pitfalls since I've been there too often at the moment.

But first.... I will enjoy the sun on my balcony :)

Hyperventilate

Normally I do not blog from work, but it's getting too much for me to handle at the moment. I've been hyperventilating for most of the morning now and thereby feeling very light headed and faint. So I just took a walk hoping it would get better, but as soon as I came back at work, it started again.

Why am I feeling this way? I just don’t get it, and I do not want to feel this way. So why? Why can’t I just stop it?

In order to break to circle and hopefully get some energy, I decided to call the bike shop and see if they have a battery for my motor on stock. If so I can go there on my push-bike which will take me over half an hour to get there. The other option is to take the bus, but either way, I first need to give them a call.

Relieve

Yesterday I had a talk with my colleague about things you normally don't talk about, let alone with somebody from work. It left me with some weird feelings and questions if it was alright to tell him. But it's a subject we share, so I guess it will be fine.

But once I got home, some other things started to bother me and I called a friend just to get it of my chest. We talked for whole evening, the pour guy. But at least I went to bed empty headed and could sleep a little.

Today I have been feeling very nervous and not myself. Had to go to my GP and had the second part of my intake which was over the phone this time. It was a very nice lady on the other side and we had a good chat about serious stuff, but it wasn't to heavy, and she comforted me with telling me that she thinks she can help me.

I have finally found therapy!!!!

I went for a walk just to get used to the feeling and get some things in perspective again. Funny how the world looks brighter again if you're looking around with a more clear mindset.

I just had to do some paperwork and sent it to them, but by the end of this week or beginning next week it will all start. It's takes between 13 and 20 weeks, so I know I'm not there yet. But after posting the papers I could let go of some feelings and had some, more or less, happy tears.

Intake

Oeps, for some reason some of my friends got scared about my mental health after reading Saturday's blog. It would have been nice if they gave me a ring or even a text message but I guess they did not know what to say. I do not talk with them about these kind of things since I do not want to be a trouble maker and it's very, very hard for me to talk anyway.

Today I talked to my GP over the phone, and I had an intake with yet another psychologist. This one is over the internet so more talking via the keyboard then face to face, which hopefully is easier to do for me. But first I had to fill out one of those forms again with all those questions about yourself. I find it hard to see my own answers again, and realize that things are not much better then a few month ago. And I finally had a small chat with my mate over the phone this morning, which gave me some ease of mind.

But I did go to Amsterdam last Saturday, even though it was just for a couple of hours, it was nice just to walk around and go to a pub. I used to do that quite often in my younger days, so hopefully I will have the strength to do it more often. One thing; I was certainly not used to all the flirting anymore :)

Two weeks

It's has been a while since I wrote another blog, and there is a reason for it. The last two weeks haven't been that good and it's hard for me to explain why and how.

Two weeks ago I suddenly went into an extreme depression where I had a fight with my rational and my emotional me. I had feelings I did not wanted to feel but for some reason not able to switch them off. It was the heaviest one I ever had, and it took a walk to relax a bit and a few days to recover.

Last week I went to Luxembourg with my mate. He works there and since it was a short week, it seemed a nice idea to come along. I knew he had to work and I had to entertain myself, which is something I'm not very good at. All thought it was one day I had for myself, it took all my energy just to keep busy. Been driving around, which is one of my fears but at some point I was getting used to it and even had fun at it. But when it started raining in the afternoon and I had nothing left to do the loneliness took control again.

On Thursday, the day after I came home, there was nothing wrong after I woke up. Started to do some things in the house and really was feeling great. But then without any warning came that feeling again. I did not hesitate this time and went outside for a long walk, and that helped.

This weekend I was invited to go boating, so yesterday after work my mate picked me up and we went to  the boat. The afternoon and evening where fine, all though my mind was not there all the time, but then came the night. Even though I was feeling extreme tired, I did not sleep at all. Thinking and thinking and wanted to go home to my own bed and misery. This morning when I started to hyperventilate it was enough for me, and I went home. Right now I'm sitting here and I'm fighting against another episode.

I hate me!

My apologies for that line, but I had to put it there. I hope the next blog will be more positive.

No more .....

My psychiatrist says that I'm a bad talker, but I think it's got more to do with him and the way he asks me questions. I know I'm not the best in talking about my feelings, I have trouble with my feeling anyway, so how can I talk about them. But whenever he asks me something he is waiting for a whole story, while I prefer to give short answers, which for me covers the whole question. For some people that is kind of cryptic other understand me perfectly. But since the medication is not working he decided to double the doses but I decided something else after that conversation.

No more....

The medication made sleeping worse, far worse and I got more and more grumpy. So I stopped taking them yesterday. And finally I slept again for 4 hours straight ..... My body and mind where more relaxed, so even after waking up and getting out of bed for ten minutes, I could sleep some more.

Today I worked for 4 hours, which is another achievement. There was a small issue which I could easily find and resolve. So I started being productive as well. And just home, after having lunch, the doorbell rang. It was a friend who was in the neighborhood.Instead of doing some finishing touches in the toilet that still needs to be done, I ended up playing with After Effects, and whenever there was a little sun I was on my balcony. You can see the result at the bottom of this post. It's just some playing around so nothing fancy!

All in all I'm feeling better today and hope it will stay that way for the next couple of days.

The last few days haven't been the best. I'm still not up to doing things and my mind is still everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My legss are still filled with lead, and I can not concentrate. I'm pretty sure it's a side effect from the medication. But feeling this way it's hard to keep taking them, but I should give it some time.

Last night I was out of bed a 2am and saw I received an email. It was a reply from my mate. So I replied and went back to bed. After that my body was more relaxed then normal and allthough it took a while, I finaly got some sleep. Not a deep sleep, but sill, better then nothing.

Today I was feeling a bit better, not much, but not so down. I decided I needed something to lift my spirit and went to Utrecht and did some shopping. I got myself a present.

When I was doing the dolphin drawing I remembered I had an old pen tablet somewhere and decided to look it up and give it a try again. Even with the newest drivers it was not working the way it should. It had trouble with the mouse being connected as well and the pointer was jumping all over my screen. I started looking on the internet and find out that the pro's are using Wacom tablets but they are pricy. But today I found a smaller version without all the toy software, which I do not use anyway, for a normal price. Well you can buy a big one from a different brand for less but this one should be the best, so I bought it.
It's super! With the pen it's working in absolute mode and if you use the back of the pen it's an eraser. But you can also use the tablet as a mouse pad with your fingers and then it is relative again with multi-touch so you can do gestures to zoom or scroll. It's not a replacement for the mouse, but with the pen in you're hand it's easy to use you're fingers to have a more mouse-like control.

For the rest I've been converting video's to put on my phone, so I have something to watch when we go to Great Brittan next month. I need to put more memory in my phone if I want to put all the material there, but the price for 16 gigabyte was too much. I guess I first need to see how much I want to put on there before I buy new memmory.

Things are getting tougher and tougher for me right now. I have not been feeling to great since Thursday, not sure if it is a side effect from the medication or just the lack of sleep.

Friday was a relaxed evening. I had a drink on the terrace with a friend and we went for chinese food after that and watched some television.

On Saturday I wanted to go into town, but went to a friend first. We ended up doing some shopping and made diner at another friends place. We talked about a sailing weekend we do every year but I can not say if I will be there this year. All because I do not sleep and it's very frustrating if you're on a small boot with people sleeping next to you. And if I get some sleep it's in the mornings when they wake up. Well sleeping so light as I do it's impossible to get some rest then. But after telling that I realized that it's now becoming a handicap and has a huge impact on my social live.

I had to be convinced to go to the boat today where we put on the sails and made a small sailing trip. But I was really drowsy, with lead in my eyelids and legs like straws. I think I went on auto pilot and just did my thing, but my mind was nowhere and everywhere in the same time and not in the mood for small talk or anything for that matter.

Once at home I had diner and took a bath, hoping to get my head a bit more clear and feeling more relaxed and happy. But even that did not help. At this very moment I do not know what I want anymore! Yes, I do know what I want just not sure how to get there and not sure if this is the way to go since it's really ..................

I have to stop now, since I can not even handle myself....

Nothing

Nothing, that's the effect the pills have on me so far. Not ill, not sleeping, just nothing. And that is how I feel today. Nothing is really working for me and I'm rather grumpy. I think it has to do with my sleeping. I felt asleep after 4:30 AM again.

Yesterday I did some shopping and had lunch in town. The afternoon I did no do very much, just not feeling like doing something. After a simple diner I updated my phone and had to reinstall all the applications and so on. That kept me busy for a couple of hours.

The same goes for today. Tried doing some work on the computer, but nothing worked the way I wanted it. So I took a cola on my balcony in the sun, watching a polish builder across the street. Not a bad view I must say. But since he was looking at me every now and then I could not take a sneaky photo for you guys.

I still wanted to do something, so I went to the shop and bought the things I needed to make hamburgers. I ended up with a home made burger with unions, sweet peppers and garlic from the grill with a Aioli sauce on top. I have to say it was very tasty and easy.
So why buy those tasteless burgers?.....

Medication

Yesterday was a nice day.
After work a went and ordered my bicycle, it can take one or two weeks before it's delivered, but who cares. I'm finally getting a good one again after 8 year on a cheap, and by now, noisy bike.
After that I went with my niece, nephew and one of my niece's friends to the local airport to shoot some pictures of a dress my niece made for school. A totally different photo shoot then I'm used to, but was fun to do, and my niece is happy.

The first thing today after work was calling my psychiatrist. He asked me about my drinking and was wondered that I had no real issue's with stopping. He and my other psychologist made a big deal about it, even though they hardly asked me about it. They both wanted me to go to some kind of rehab. If they would have asked me about it and not drawn any conclusions they would have known that stopping is not the biggest problem for me, but sleeping is a whole other issue.
So now I got my tablets which is combination of a sleeping tablet and a antidepressant. It does give me some mixed emotions, since I'm feeling rather good at the moment, but sleeping is still a big problem. Other sleeping pills never worked, so will this one work for me, and how will I respond to the medication. Will I get ill or somnolent? I will take my phone with me to bed tonight, just in case I have an allergic reaction.

Photoshop

My first Photoshop painting attempt.

I did go to Amsterdam yesterday at the beginning of the afternoon. The timing was perfect, since I arrived by train 5 minutes after my friend arrived. Had some coffee on the terrace in the sun, did some shopping and went to some pubs. The atmosphere in the pubs wasn't really there, so we both went home. Once in the train I called my mate to see where he was. He was just on his way home, perfect timing again, and invited me over for diner and a movie. He went to do some shopping at my place and saw a train coming in (I live near a railway station) and called to see if I was on that train, which I was. Yet again perfect timing! Together we went to his place, had diner and relaxed over a movie with the both of us a cat on our legs. Since he felt a sleep I ended up walking home, which is a 2 km walk, so not to bad.

Now you would think that after a good walk before bed time, one will sleep good. Well not with me. Yet again a terrible night and I got out of bed at 11:15am feeling like a wreck. After some coffee and waking up a bit I started to play with Photoshop. I never actually draw something with that program, and here you can see my first attempt. It's far from perfect, but for a first time I felt proud. And as you can see, it's not always black an horrible what's on my mind.

After a long bath, I went for a walk an got a soda at the pub, walked back and made some nice diner with left overs. I feel very good at the moment, but do have one problem. There is nothing on the television tonight. So I'm wondering what to do, guess I will watch something I still have on DVD.

Loneliness

Loneliness

Yesterday was a touch day for me. Normally on Friday we meet with a group of friends in the pub and get some dinner. But both of my friends were occupied and so I was on my own. I ended up going to the pub in the afternoon anyway to have some company. I was not sure if it had to do with not drinking or not, I was just not getting along so I went home and did some shopping and made dinner. Thank god one of my other friends was on line and I had a little chat with him, since my mind was going in all the directions I do not want it to go. I really felt like going back to the pub and get a beer and some fun. I decided to send a text message to my mate asking him to call me once he had the time, but he never called, which made me feel on my own again. After a few tears I went to bed and had a bad night as usual.

At then moment I'm not feeling all to well, but that's normal after a bad night and I know it will go away after a couple of hours. I'm planning on going to Amsterdam and meet a friend there. Hoping that will do me some good and give me some distraction.

There was some good this week as well. I've been working on another wall picture which I'm very proud of at the moment. But there are a few things in there which are personal to me, so I'm not ready to post it here yet.

The Wall

The Wall

I do not really remember when I started building my wall, my emotional defense to the outside world which I often do not understand. The fact that I'm naked is not to scare anybody, but I'm myself behind that wall with nothing to hide.

A few years ago I tried to break down the wall, well at least a little, an opened up somewhat. But I guess that every brick in that wall stands for pain, misunderstanding and emotions. And so it happened, every time I try to open up, somebody or something hurts me. But I really need to learn to deal with it, since nobody will ever see the real me if I stay behind this wall.

If I'm ever going to break down this wall I need some defense, some courage and energy to stand up to the world. But where and how? Whenever I do something that others respond to in a, for me, negative way I just hide instead of responding back. I'm always there trying to please others and not thinking about my own needs. I'm I so complicated ore just plain stupid. I guess it will be the latter. But still, I do not know how to break down this wall and even then, I'm scared without my hiding place.

Charching the battery

I decided to try and make more pictures with a story,

and this one is all about my flat battery.

When I discovered last Friday that my battery had not enough power to start my bike it felt like part of me. My energy levels has been very low the last few month. In the beginning I still had the energy but the passion was lacking. I ended up with neither and that is where all the trouble started.

If you don't have the energy or the passion, there is no reason to live. Thank god I still had a pilot light burning somewhere deep inside. Otherwise I might have lost my last, ever so small, positive view of the world. But I did not really care about anything in my live anymore. Drink to much, smoke to much, who cares, if it kills me it's just fine. I was even scared to walk next to a railway not knowing what I was about to do.

Being so empty you would think that you don't feel anything, but the emotional pain was unbearable. I wished I had something broken or other physical pain, but no there is no easy solution for these kind of pains. And it's hard to explain to the outside world what it is and how it feels since you don't see anything. So whenever I'm around other people I'm putting on my mask and emotionally hide behind a big brick wall. That's the way I'm raised so I do not know any better. But once at home the tears started running.

The rest I was given, gave me back some of the energy. But then the search for help ain't an easy task and I'm still not sure if I found it. You end up doing things yourself again, and I felt like being back to where I started many times. That, on it's own cost a lot of energy, the energy you do not have.

I know I had Tori Teriyaki last week, today it was a Teriyaki burger. It was kind of fun to make and it tasted very good. And no, this is not all I eat, I normally take seconds and yes I made two of those burgers.
The only trouble I had was that I wanted to use the stir-fry vegetables I had in my refrigerator, but by the time the burgers where almost ready and I wanted to stir-fry, I saw that they where not any good anymore. So I had to quickly cook some chinese cabbage instead.

Eastern

Another long weekend has past, a weekend with hardly any sleep and a lot of downs, some tears and a few good moments. If I would write down whatever went through my head, this blog would be too long. So a short story is better in place.

Sleep.

---

Only last morning I slept for a few hours. That was past 7am so I got up late, but at least I had some sleep since the two nights before I did not slept at all.

Emotions

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Tired and not being able to suppress my feelings my depressions are taking overhand again. I tried to get a much distraction as I could get, but still I got irritable and quiet. All my thoughts are very negative and I feel no need to be happy or even be alive. My head becomes heavy and I just stare to one point. A stinging headache takes over, and all I want is just sleep.

Medication

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I’ve been reading a form about the medication I’m going to get. At first I was looking forward to it, but now I’m scared. It made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But then I realized that in such a forum you would meanly read the negative stories. Why would anyone go on a forum if he or she is had no trouble with the drug. So I will continue and at least give it a try. But it not something to be taken for a few weeks, it’s at least half a year.

Good

---

Besides all the negative things there are some positive things as well. I did had my good moments where I was feeling reasonable happy. I did not had any serious crave to either have a drink or to go to the pub. I’m also getting some creative thoughts again and will try to put them to reality this week.

Thea....

Since the battery of my bike is flat, my best friend came over to pick me up. We went to the harbor where they were doing maintenance on two boats. We needed some materials so from there I went with somebody else to do some shopping. Once we got back it’s started to rain and time to go home for dinner with the whole group. That’s where the rest started drinking. In the beginning it was no issue for me. But after dinner it became hard…. A lot of thing where going to my mind:


- Why can’t I just have a drink?
- What’s wrong with me?
- Will I ever feel happy again?

And a few more, but those where the main things going through my mind. And with that came a headache and all the depressive feelings again. I tried hard not to get grumpy. Thank god I know why I’m doing this and I can still see the benefits. The crave for a drink wasn’t to bad.

Coming home I had to write this blog. I started with tears in my eyes, but at the moment I feel more positive again. And who would have thought that I would drink a relaxing thea in the evening. I’m actually proud of myself.

Tomorrow they start working again in the morning, but I told my mate that I don’t think I can make that. Sleep is the most important thing at the moment, and my biggest issue. So I will come whenever I’m ready and not sooner.

Well time to relax on bed with another episode of Star Trek…..

Flat battery....

I wanted to suprise my friends by comming on the bike instead of them picking me up. So I cleaned it a little bit, put on my gear and tried to start it. Bad luck there, the battery did not had enough power left. Normaly I take it out in the winter time, but forgot to do it this year. So I need to sharge the battery fisrt.
Photo is taken with my phone, sorry about that...

April 1

No it's not a joke, today is the day where I'm trying to make some changes in my live.

I had a good sleep although there where some weird dreams and trouble getting out of bed, which is nothing unusual. Went to work where another colleague who is recovering from a burnout like me, wanted to talk to me. But at that time it was raining and there where no "private" spaces left in the office. So we postponed it to next week. And once the rain was cleared I went in to town and got myself swimming trunks, since I want to go swimming again and my old one is not very good anymore. Since my mind was going into negative thoughts again this morning, I could use the distraction. Bought some other stuff as well and some t-shirts for my mate.

In the afternoon I finally cleaned up my office at home a bit. There where still a lot of tools hanging around from when I was decorating a few weeks ago. I still have to do some little things, but that's for later. The more troubling part came after I set on the sofa. There was nothing more I wanted to do, so I got bored and wanted a .... I know the first few weeks are the worst and I was not to give in on my first day! I'm to proud of myself. So I went to my kitchen and started to figure out what to have for diner. I had almost all the stuff for stir-fried Tori Teriyaki. An easy to make dish and it tasted very good. But I had to clean the kitchen afterward.

I survived the afternoon, but what will the evening bring? There is a movie on the TV so I guess I will watch that one. It's more the upcoming weekend I'm scared about and really not looking forward to. Come to think of it, I'm having trouble with weekends for a long time know. Maybe something for me to think about and try to come up with an answer to why.

Big Daddy

What more to say?

The last one for now.......

To go or not to go? That's the question

I did a lot of household this afternoon, but surely not enough. But at least I'm up to date with my laundry again. But after finishing and sitting on the sofa my mind went the wrong way. There is nobody stopping me from going to the pub. I even allow it myself, but do I want to. Doesn't that make things harder. And then I got this feeling of guilt comming over me. But going to the pub is just one of my excuses. So I decided not to tempt myself and started looking for a nice recipe to cook.

Chicken brest in bacon with a creamy portsauce.

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The sauce for some reason did not go that well. I made a similar sauce before without a recipe and that was much better. And I shouldn't have added any more oregano or it would have been too much. But it was nice to cook and good enough to enjoy. I'm leaving this one in my book.

Kipfilet in bacon met een romige portsaus

Tonight it will be watching a movie again after a quick call to my parents. I haven't spoken to them since I'm back from Germany so I guess they want to know how it was.

4 Amstel and a Sloeber

A quick look in my refrigerator tells me I've still got 4 Amstel beers and one Sloeber and still two days to go from the date I want to give up drinking for a while. But I managed not to buy any beer today, so I'm hoping that this will be it.

It's now 4 o'clock which I would consider to be "beer o'clock" so instead of taking one, I took the photo and started blogging.

I do not consider myself to be an alcoholic, although the last few month I was drinking to much. More like a habit of cosiness. But since I have depressions for the last couple of years (even in my dry period) I'm getting a new antidepressant and sleeping pill in one. It's new on the market and non addictive, so it sounds perfect to me. But I need to be dry for at least two weeks and then off course stay that way while I'm taking that drug.

I took the first step by telling my friends that I can not drink anymore after april 1st. I'm hoping they can and will help me. But this weekend will be my first test. We are going to do maintenance on two boats, and normally there is enough beer to make the work pleasant. But not for me this time...

Today I did not do very much. Went to work for an hour, picked up some catfood for a friend, cleaned the house a bit and did my tax return. For the rest I've been reading another friends blog.

Tonight I will take a long bath and watch a movie "Red eye" with a beer!

Berlin

A friend of mine asked me to come to Berlin with him since he had to go there for work. I took me a couple of days to decide if I should go or not. I had lots of reasons not to go, but friends and work convinced me that I should go so I went.

March 24
After a long drive we arrived at our hotel in Schöneberg-Berlin at 1am, which was in the middle of the gay-scene of Berlin. So after checking in we went for a drink.

March 25

Waking up early the next morning we looked up what we could do. We both decided we needed a haircut so after breakfast we went looking for a hairdresser. Not being able to find one in time for my friends appointment at the theater we went to centre of Berlin and had lunch there. Once my friend was working I had some time to walk around and take some pictures and found I hairdresser which looked ok. After my friend was ready we went there for a haircut and had diner. With just a little time to spare, we went for a short walk and then to the theater for the premiere of a show called Versus. After the show it was back to the hotel and enjoying the nightlife.

March 26

The next morning we got out of bed a bit later (thank god) had breakfast and did some shopping. We decided to go to the sony center, which is a big complex owned by Sony and has a Sony store, but they were rebuilding the shop and so they were closed. From there we went to monument for the murder Jewish and  Brandenburger Tor where we tried to take a city tour by bus but we were to late. So we walked a bit and went back to the hotel and had diner and as you can guess by now enjoyed the nightlife again till late in the morning.

March 27

On our last day in Berlin we had another visit to the theater planned. Qi a huge production with a lot of technical elements. After the show we still had some time to go to Check Point Charlie and the Currywurst museum. Being it our last day we had a simple diner and went out for a couple drinks to be in bed on time.

Mach 28
When I woke up and wanted to see what time it was, I was unpleasantly surprised to see a warning on my phone that it switched to sumer time. But we got out of bed on time, took a shower and were to early for breakfast, so we decided to just get something whilst being on the way. The trip home went as smooth as the trip to Berlin so we where back on time.
I really had the time of my live and it did me more good then I was hoping for. I started to feel a bit like myself again for part of the time.