No more .....

My psychiatrist says that I'm a bad talker, but I think it's got more to do with him and the way he asks me questions. I know I'm not the best in talking about my feelings, I have trouble with my feeling anyway, so how can I talk about them. But whenever he asks me something he is waiting for a whole story, while I prefer to give short answers, which for me covers the whole question. For some people that is kind of cryptic other understand me perfectly. But since the medication is not working he decided to double the doses but I decided something else after that conversation.

No more....

The medication made sleeping worse, far worse and I got more and more grumpy. So I stopped taking them yesterday. And finally I slept again for 4 hours straight ..... My body and mind where more relaxed, so even after waking up and getting out of bed for ten minutes, I could sleep some more.

Today I worked for 4 hours, which is another achievement. There was a small issue which I could easily find and resolve. So I started being productive as well. And just home, after having lunch, the doorbell rang. It was a friend who was in the neighborhood.Instead of doing some finishing touches in the toilet that still needs to be done, I ended up playing with After Effects, and whenever there was a little sun I was on my balcony. You can see the result at the bottom of this post. It's just some playing around so nothing fancy!

All in all I'm feeling better today and hope it will stay that way for the next couple of days.

The last few days haven't been the best. I'm still not up to doing things and my mind is still everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My legss are still filled with lead, and I can not concentrate. I'm pretty sure it's a side effect from the medication. But feeling this way it's hard to keep taking them, but I should give it some time.

Last night I was out of bed a 2am and saw I received an email. It was a reply from my mate. So I replied and went back to bed. After that my body was more relaxed then normal and allthough it took a while, I finaly got some sleep. Not a deep sleep, but sill, better then nothing.

Today I was feeling a bit better, not much, but not so down. I decided I needed something to lift my spirit and went to Utrecht and did some shopping. I got myself a present.

When I was doing the dolphin drawing I remembered I had an old pen tablet somewhere and decided to look it up and give it a try again. Even with the newest drivers it was not working the way it should. It had trouble with the mouse being connected as well and the pointer was jumping all over my screen. I started looking on the internet and find out that the pro's are using Wacom tablets but they are pricy. But today I found a smaller version without all the toy software, which I do not use anyway, for a normal price. Well you can buy a big one from a different brand for less but this one should be the best, so I bought it.
It's super! With the pen it's working in absolute mode and if you use the back of the pen it's an eraser. But you can also use the tablet as a mouse pad with your fingers and then it is relative again with multi-touch so you can do gestures to zoom or scroll. It's not a replacement for the mouse, but with the pen in you're hand it's easy to use you're fingers to have a more mouse-like control.

For the rest I've been converting video's to put on my phone, so I have something to watch when we go to Great Brittan next month. I need to put more memory in my phone if I want to put all the material there, but the price for 16 gigabyte was too much. I guess I first need to see how much I want to put on there before I buy new memmory.

Things are getting tougher and tougher for me right now. I have not been feeling to great since Thursday, not sure if it is a side effect from the medication or just the lack of sleep.

Friday was a relaxed evening. I had a drink on the terrace with a friend and we went for chinese food after that and watched some television.

On Saturday I wanted to go into town, but went to a friend first. We ended up doing some shopping and made diner at another friends place. We talked about a sailing weekend we do every year but I can not say if I will be there this year. All because I do not sleep and it's very frustrating if you're on a small boot with people sleeping next to you. And if I get some sleep it's in the mornings when they wake up. Well sleeping so light as I do it's impossible to get some rest then. But after telling that I realized that it's now becoming a handicap and has a huge impact on my social live.

I had to be convinced to go to the boat today where we put on the sails and made a small sailing trip. But I was really drowsy, with lead in my eyelids and legs like straws. I think I went on auto pilot and just did my thing, but my mind was nowhere and everywhere in the same time and not in the mood for small talk or anything for that matter.

Once at home I had diner and took a bath, hoping to get my head a bit more clear and feeling more relaxed and happy. But even that did not help. At this very moment I do not know what I want anymore! Yes, I do know what I want just not sure how to get there and not sure if this is the way to go since it's really ..................

I have to stop now, since I can not even handle myself....

Nothing

Nothing, that's the effect the pills have on me so far. Not ill, not sleeping, just nothing. And that is how I feel today. Nothing is really working for me and I'm rather grumpy. I think it has to do with my sleeping. I felt asleep after 4:30 AM again.

Yesterday I did some shopping and had lunch in town. The afternoon I did no do very much, just not feeling like doing something. After a simple diner I updated my phone and had to reinstall all the applications and so on. That kept me busy for a couple of hours.

The same goes for today. Tried doing some work on the computer, but nothing worked the way I wanted it. So I took a cola on my balcony in the sun, watching a polish builder across the street. Not a bad view I must say. But since he was looking at me every now and then I could not take a sneaky photo for you guys.

I still wanted to do something, so I went to the shop and bought the things I needed to make hamburgers. I ended up with a home made burger with unions, sweet peppers and garlic from the grill with a Aioli sauce on top. I have to say it was very tasty and easy.
So why buy those tasteless burgers?.....

Medication

Yesterday was a nice day.
After work a went and ordered my bicycle, it can take one or two weeks before it's delivered, but who cares. I'm finally getting a good one again after 8 year on a cheap, and by now, noisy bike.
After that I went with my niece, nephew and one of my niece's friends to the local airport to shoot some pictures of a dress my niece made for school. A totally different photo shoot then I'm used to, but was fun to do, and my niece is happy.

The first thing today after work was calling my psychiatrist. He asked me about my drinking and was wondered that I had no real issue's with stopping. He and my other psychologist made a big deal about it, even though they hardly asked me about it. They both wanted me to go to some kind of rehab. If they would have asked me about it and not drawn any conclusions they would have known that stopping is not the biggest problem for me, but sleeping is a whole other issue.
So now I got my tablets which is combination of a sleeping tablet and a antidepressant. It does give me some mixed emotions, since I'm feeling rather good at the moment, but sleeping is still a big problem. Other sleeping pills never worked, so will this one work for me, and how will I respond to the medication. Will I get ill or somnolent? I will take my phone with me to bed tonight, just in case I have an allergic reaction.

Photoshop

My first Photoshop painting attempt.

I did go to Amsterdam yesterday at the beginning of the afternoon. The timing was perfect, since I arrived by train 5 minutes after my friend arrived. Had some coffee on the terrace in the sun, did some shopping and went to some pubs. The atmosphere in the pubs wasn't really there, so we both went home. Once in the train I called my mate to see where he was. He was just on his way home, perfect timing again, and invited me over for diner and a movie. He went to do some shopping at my place and saw a train coming in (I live near a railway station) and called to see if I was on that train, which I was. Yet again perfect timing! Together we went to his place, had diner and relaxed over a movie with the both of us a cat on our legs. Since he felt a sleep I ended up walking home, which is a 2 km walk, so not to bad.

Now you would think that after a good walk before bed time, one will sleep good. Well not with me. Yet again a terrible night and I got out of bed at 11:15am feeling like a wreck. After some coffee and waking up a bit I started to play with Photoshop. I never actually draw something with that program, and here you can see my first attempt. It's far from perfect, but for a first time I felt proud. And as you can see, it's not always black an horrible what's on my mind.

After a long bath, I went for a walk an got a soda at the pub, walked back and made some nice diner with left overs. I feel very good at the moment, but do have one problem. There is nothing on the television tonight. So I'm wondering what to do, guess I will watch something I still have on DVD.

Loneliness

Loneliness

Yesterday was a touch day for me. Normally on Friday we meet with a group of friends in the pub and get some dinner. But both of my friends were occupied and so I was on my own. I ended up going to the pub in the afternoon anyway to have some company. I was not sure if it had to do with not drinking or not, I was just not getting along so I went home and did some shopping and made dinner. Thank god one of my other friends was on line and I had a little chat with him, since my mind was going in all the directions I do not want it to go. I really felt like going back to the pub and get a beer and some fun. I decided to send a text message to my mate asking him to call me once he had the time, but he never called, which made me feel on my own again. After a few tears I went to bed and had a bad night as usual.

At then moment I'm not feeling all to well, but that's normal after a bad night and I know it will go away after a couple of hours. I'm planning on going to Amsterdam and meet a friend there. Hoping that will do me some good and give me some distraction.

There was some good this week as well. I've been working on another wall picture which I'm very proud of at the moment. But there are a few things in there which are personal to me, so I'm not ready to post it here yet.

The Wall

The Wall

I do not really remember when I started building my wall, my emotional defense to the outside world which I often do not understand. The fact that I'm naked is not to scare anybody, but I'm myself behind that wall with nothing to hide.

A few years ago I tried to break down the wall, well at least a little, an opened up somewhat. But I guess that every brick in that wall stands for pain, misunderstanding and emotions. And so it happened, every time I try to open up, somebody or something hurts me. But I really need to learn to deal with it, since nobody will ever see the real me if I stay behind this wall.

If I'm ever going to break down this wall I need some defense, some courage and energy to stand up to the world. But where and how? Whenever I do something that others respond to in a, for me, negative way I just hide instead of responding back. I'm always there trying to please others and not thinking about my own needs. I'm I so complicated ore just plain stupid. I guess it will be the latter. But still, I do not know how to break down this wall and even then, I'm scared without my hiding place.

Charching the battery

I decided to try and make more pictures with a story,

and this one is all about my flat battery.

When I discovered last Friday that my battery had not enough power to start my bike it felt like part of me. My energy levels has been very low the last few month. In the beginning I still had the energy but the passion was lacking. I ended up with neither and that is where all the trouble started.

If you don't have the energy or the passion, there is no reason to live. Thank god I still had a pilot light burning somewhere deep inside. Otherwise I might have lost my last, ever so small, positive view of the world. But I did not really care about anything in my live anymore. Drink to much, smoke to much, who cares, if it kills me it's just fine. I was even scared to walk next to a railway not knowing what I was about to do.

Being so empty you would think that you don't feel anything, but the emotional pain was unbearable. I wished I had something broken or other physical pain, but no there is no easy solution for these kind of pains. And it's hard to explain to the outside world what it is and how it feels since you don't see anything. So whenever I'm around other people I'm putting on my mask and emotionally hide behind a big brick wall. That's the way I'm raised so I do not know any better. But once at home the tears started running.

The rest I was given, gave me back some of the energy. But then the search for help ain't an easy task and I'm still not sure if I found it. You end up doing things yourself again, and I felt like being back to where I started many times. That, on it's own cost a lot of energy, the energy you do not have.

I know I had Tori Teriyaki last week, today it was a Teriyaki burger. It was kind of fun to make and it tasted very good. And no, this is not all I eat, I normally take seconds and yes I made two of those burgers.
The only trouble I had was that I wanted to use the stir-fry vegetables I had in my refrigerator, but by the time the burgers where almost ready and I wanted to stir-fry, I saw that they where not any good anymore. So I had to quickly cook some chinese cabbage instead.

Eastern

Another long weekend has past, a weekend with hardly any sleep and a lot of downs, some tears and a few good moments. If I would write down whatever went through my head, this blog would be too long. So a short story is better in place.

Sleep.

---

Only last morning I slept for a few hours. That was past 7am so I got up late, but at least I had some sleep since the two nights before I did not slept at all.

Emotions

---

Tired and not being able to suppress my feelings my depressions are taking overhand again. I tried to get a much distraction as I could get, but still I got irritable and quiet. All my thoughts are very negative and I feel no need to be happy or even be alive. My head becomes heavy and I just stare to one point. A stinging headache takes over, and all I want is just sleep.

Medication

---

I’ve been reading a form about the medication I’m going to get. At first I was looking forward to it, but now I’m scared. It made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But then I realized that in such a forum you would meanly read the negative stories. Why would anyone go on a forum if he or she is had no trouble with the drug. So I will continue and at least give it a try. But it not something to be taken for a few weeks, it’s at least half a year.

Good

---

Besides all the negative things there are some positive things as well. I did had my good moments where I was feeling reasonable happy. I did not had any serious crave to either have a drink or to go to the pub. I’m also getting some creative thoughts again and will try to put them to reality this week.

Thea....

Since the battery of my bike is flat, my best friend came over to pick me up. We went to the harbor where they were doing maintenance on two boats. We needed some materials so from there I went with somebody else to do some shopping. Once we got back it’s started to rain and time to go home for dinner with the whole group. That’s where the rest started drinking. In the beginning it was no issue for me. But after dinner it became hard…. A lot of thing where going to my mind:


- Why can’t I just have a drink?
- What’s wrong with me?
- Will I ever feel happy again?

And a few more, but those where the main things going through my mind. And with that came a headache and all the depressive feelings again. I tried hard not to get grumpy. Thank god I know why I’m doing this and I can still see the benefits. The crave for a drink wasn’t to bad.

Coming home I had to write this blog. I started with tears in my eyes, but at the moment I feel more positive again. And who would have thought that I would drink a relaxing thea in the evening. I’m actually proud of myself.

Tomorrow they start working again in the morning, but I told my mate that I don’t think I can make that. Sleep is the most important thing at the moment, and my biggest issue. So I will come whenever I’m ready and not sooner.

Well time to relax on bed with another episode of Star Trek…..

Flat battery....

I wanted to suprise my friends by comming on the bike instead of them picking me up. So I cleaned it a little bit, put on my gear and tried to start it. Bad luck there, the battery did not had enough power left. Normaly I take it out in the winter time, but forgot to do it this year. So I need to sharge the battery fisrt.
Photo is taken with my phone, sorry about that...

April 1

No it's not a joke, today is the day where I'm trying to make some changes in my live.

I had a good sleep although there where some weird dreams and trouble getting out of bed, which is nothing unusual. Went to work where another colleague who is recovering from a burnout like me, wanted to talk to me. But at that time it was raining and there where no "private" spaces left in the office. So we postponed it to next week. And once the rain was cleared I went in to town and got myself swimming trunks, since I want to go swimming again and my old one is not very good anymore. Since my mind was going into negative thoughts again this morning, I could use the distraction. Bought some other stuff as well and some t-shirts for my mate.

In the afternoon I finally cleaned up my office at home a bit. There where still a lot of tools hanging around from when I was decorating a few weeks ago. I still have to do some little things, but that's for later. The more troubling part came after I set on the sofa. There was nothing more I wanted to do, so I got bored and wanted a .... I know the first few weeks are the worst and I was not to give in on my first day! I'm to proud of myself. So I went to my kitchen and started to figure out what to have for diner. I had almost all the stuff for stir-fried Tori Teriyaki. An easy to make dish and it tasted very good. But I had to clean the kitchen afterward.

I survived the afternoon, but what will the evening bring? There is a movie on the TV so I guess I will watch that one. It's more the upcoming weekend I'm scared about and really not looking forward to. Come to think of it, I'm having trouble with weekends for a long time know. Maybe something for me to think about and try to come up with an answer to why.

Big Daddy