I don't care

My new look at live has all to do with a "I don't care" kind of attitude. It's not that I do not care, I'm just taking it more relaxed, a bit more emotionally detached. But it's not coming naturally and so it takes some effort to keep that thought alive.

Last weekend I had a weird phone call with an old friend and he tried to make me feel guilty about some things. The "new" me reacted and told him the truth. Well emotionally that went great, but my body responded by starting to shake and I got nauseous again. I discussed that a few days later with the companies doctor and she explained to me that it perfectly normal. It are the hormones that kick in and my body respond to it. Taking a walk or doing something physical should help me out. She also explained that it will get less after I'm used again to handle these kind of situations.

At this very moment my house is one big mess, and I don't care. I have to clean it up the next coming days since I will have visitors staying over for a few days. I'm going to celebrate my birthday on a small island with 30 people, so a lot of things need to be sorted. It's really fun to try and think about all the things you need and so on and I think I managed to get it all. If not, I don't care. It will be a great party anyway with almost all my close friend.

Amsterdam

The whole week has been an weird experience for me with very good and some what more tougher challenges. As you might have seen in the previous blog I had to rate my days at regular intervals. Well it's lower in the mornings and getting better during the day. At least for most of the days since Wednesday was kind of an off day.

On Friday we had a goodbye party where I put on clothes I would never thought about taking that to work. But it's part of who I am and it's time that I show a little bit more of my personal live as well.

I managed to keep my mind clear when an old acquaintance called me in distress. I can not handle other peoples trouble at the moment and so I chose for myself. I had to tell him that, but at first he did not wanted to listen at all. But I was not to take the blame for his own trouble.

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam with a good friend to have a chat and drink on a terrace and shopped for my birthday present. That talking did me good, he saw some changes in the way I behave at the moment and was very proud that I'm doing so well. But since I had relapses before I know I need to be very careful with what I do and how I do things. And after that talk he made me overcome another personal boundary.

For the coming week there is only one thing I need to do. Keep up going the way I'm doing now, and that must be an easy task.

Internet Fraude

This morning at work, when I was waiting for someone to create an account on one of the systems for me, I browsed markplaats.nl. I'm always curious to see what camera's there are for what price when I saw the camera of my dreams for an very unbelievable price. Since I did not trusted it at all, I send the guy an email asking if the price was right (I thought he forgot to add a zero behind it) and if so, it the camera was still for sail.

It took half an hour and there I got an email from him. If you want to read to whole mail you can click here but I will quot a the beginning since that was odd enough.

Hi,
Are you interested in buying my product?The price for my item is 600 euro,all included.My item is new,in excellent condition and I am the first owner,everything is OK.
Now I am in London / Uk, because here is my family and my university.

Apart from the bad English, he is talking about "his product" and he had only one on the site. The second one that was odd is the price. That wasn't 600 in the advert!

So I started to look up the company he wants to use for shipping and all I found where warnings of people. I even googled part of his email, and got multiple hits. He did not even changed his story and tries to sell a lot of stuff this way.

I informed marktplaats.nl about what I discovered. Of which I did not got a response yet, but I hope they will delete his advert soon. And as I am, I looked further and found three more adverts for the same product on other dutch sites. I could not resist and send an email from those sites as well, but he is very quiet now. Surely I informed those sites as well.

Work was pretty lame today. Some issues I could not work on and some that took a long time to discover where and how the problem was created. But once at home I started cleaning yet another cupboard, the one with the most stuff in it, which now has some room left :)

This morning and afternoon the score was a 6. Not very high, but more then good enough for me. Not sure what the evening will bring.
I'm going to do some shopping first and will see :)

Today's score

For therapy I have to keep a score of how I'm feeling on fixed moment during the day. The idea is that you can influence you're feelings and so by measuring them you can learn what is making the changes or where you can make some changes.

6 - This morning I did not start to best. I had a good night sleep but with the weirdest dreams. In one of them I was on a sinking boat, but in a very tight position and not very easy to get off. I had to decide if I had to go over other people's heads, and life's for that matter, to get myself out safely. On my way to work I was not very awake and started asking myself how it comes my mate is so distant the last few weeks.

7 - Work went great, and I got over the feelings in the morning. I had more for lunch then the last few weeks, and everything felt kind of normal again.

7 - Once home I did some work on the balcony and cleaned my cupboards, well half of them anyway, the rest is for tomorrow. But it kept me busy and happy. Cleaned the coffee machine as well and some other little tasks. Even found the time to enjoy the sun once it started shining. But after diner my mind tried to get me in the wrong direction again. Think it's is because like most people, I feel tired after a meal. So that's why there is a 7 for the afternoon and not a 8.

I also had a conversation with my boss, which was also a good experience. He is really pointing out to me to keep and take it easy, and with the first sign of things going the wrong direction, to just take my time. But we also discussed me getting my old responsibilities back, one thing I'm very eager about. But that still has to wait, until we both are sure I've got the strength again.

Changes...

Not sure about the title yet. A lot has happend since the last blog, mainly in my mind.

The bumb realy bursted the last time, and I tried to let my friends into what is going on in my mind. But that is one thing I can not (yet) do apperently. Not sure if it worked out wright or wrong, but it made me look at the world different. I've been holding on to a fairytail far to long, but was afraid to let go. Afraid of the big unknown. Well I did, al least I'm trying very hard and it does do some things with me. At first it made me feel empty and even more scared. Now I try to think more like "who cares", "let go" and "take it easy, take it as it comes". And that changed my view of live and the world. I see things different again, think more in perspective.

Surely I'm far from there yet, but that's where therapy helps. It's an online therapy. It's official and I've got my own therapist whith whome I talk. I can do therapy whenever I want, and he will respond within a working day later. It works for me, since writing is easier then talking for me. Other thing is that I have thereapy twice a week, and that for 13 to 20 weeks. So it's more intens than the traditional therapy.

Our last session was heavy and I showed him one of my blog items. I was about to stop blogging, but he wants me to continue eventhough I have a hard time dealing with some of the responces. That is something that will be dealed with in the last part of the therapy and where we are putting most of the empasish on.

But all by all, I'm feeling a great deal better then before. Just need to be aware of the pitfalls since I've been there too often at the moment.

But first.... I will enjoy the sun on my balcony :)