HELL of a birthday gift

It started Sunday a week ago. For some odd reason I was not feeling well and got more or less depressed. Well skip the more or less part, I just got depressed again. I think the bad sleeping played a huge part in there. Not able any more to fight back against those feelings I just gave in.

Went to work on Monday, after yet another terrible night, but not feeling too bad. Had to do a short walk in between to get my mind into the correct mindset, but still, I was doing better the I thought.
During the day I got more and more sick to the stomach, and my jaw started to hurt a little. By the end of the day I had to leave early to by some stronger pain killers and rest a bit. But still, doing better than I thought.  Since I left early I still had some work to do, so did that in the evening and made some calls to arrange my birthday party. Yet more painkillers. Not only could I feel the infection, there was a little bump growing as well. I don’t know how I managed to survive that night, but the pain became unbearable.

Tuesday morning I called the dentist. It was the third attempt when they finally answered.  I could come at 11:00 am, but just 15 minutes later I got a call and was asked to come straight away. I did not had to wait when I got in, and all he said was. “I’m not even thinking about touching that, it will burst open straight away!”. In my mind I did not care, please do as long as the pain is gone. But after an x-ray I had to go straight to the hospital. Even there I did not had to wait. They took another x-ray and the doctor checked my tooth. At that moment I had no pain at all, really adrenaline is a powerful drug. But the infection was too acute and he could not do anything about it other than some strong painkillers and antibiotics. At 11pm I was home, but cycling and his pushing in my jaw made the pain even worse. All I could do is cry from the pain and walk around the house. Bed, coach, back to bed and so on………. By the end of the day my jaw was twice the size it was before and I got really scared. So called the hospital again and I could come straight away. Cycling there was out of the question so I called my best friend who took me there. They still could not help me, and all he could do was double the amount of antibiotics.

There I was, with yet another hell night to come. All I could do was cry and keep my jaw really cold. So with an icepack and drinking ice water. The only thing that helped for the short time that was. I managed to get some sleep around 4am and woke up 10 minutes later with this weird taste in my mouth. Blood, and after inspection not only that. So I managed to get over the pain and pushed as much pus out of the wound as I could. An hour later I was relieved from the intense sharp pain.

Wednesday went a little bit better. Just tired and a bit sick I managed to sleep some during the day, and another terrible night. That sick feeling became worse in the following days, and I relalised that it might had to do with the amount of pills I took. Reading the leaflet that came with the antibiotics I was correct. The diarrhea and stomach pain was one of the reactions of the pills and since I took the double amount I really was not feeling all too well.

But the whole experience had another downside effect. I went into a depression again which became very clear to me on Friday. Then you start to wonder whether the infection is part of the depression or is it the other way around?.....

Apart from a short night, today I’m feeling bit better. I do not have to take anymore pills and friends are coming over to celebrate my birthday.  I hope that will take my mind of the fact that I have to go to hospital again in Monday. That my actual birthday but I did not want to wait any longer. I’m scared as hell since I do not know what he is going to do. A friend of mine is taking me there, so if they are going to do something at least I do not have to cycle home again. If they do nothing I will by some treatments on the way home for my colleagues who had to do without me for the whole week.

But for now I have to hurry and get things sorted for my guests.

Just Tired

I don’t know why but lately I’m feeling tired again to the extreme. Alright, I don’t sleep very well either. But that’s something I’m used to, so why is it so much more different now than normal.


After breaking up with my boyfriend I went into a downer again, but managed to get out of it. Too bad that he kept making contact so it became a big struggle to stay out of that depression mode. But other than that I was just doing great. I loved doing another job next to my own for a couple of days, although it was extreme busy handling both jobs at once, but it kind of boosted me. At the same moment I started to do inquiries for a new mortgage and looking forward to my trip to the UK to have a party with my friends there. So pretty good I would say. All I can think of now is that it might have been too much, but it sure doesn’t feel that way. Just tired, a bit down because I want to feel more lively, but not a depression. And since I’ve been there I know how that feels.

Problem now is that by feeling me this way I’m not really willing to do any socials events anymore. One thing I have to watch out for! So I decided yesterday to just join my friends on an annual trip we normally do at Pentecost.

And today I just wanted to cook again. I do normally cook but then simple. Not that it wasn’t simple this time, it was just time consuming. Cajun style pork filet, with spinach covered with a poached egg and real English bacon and some roast potatoes. It was great and although I normally would eat more, it really filled me up. Which made me feel tired again, but I guess that is to be expected. And afraid to fall asleep on the coach I decided to clean up the kitchen again, since it looked like a war zone, and take a shower. At the moment I felt a little bit more alive again, so it was time to wright this blog.

Eurovision

Last weekend I was in the UK with two friends, to visit my English friends for our annual Eurovision party. So on Tuesday we left on time. Really on time since we had 1 ½ hour to spend before boarding the train. One of my friends who sails a lot, once has been in a harbor in France near Calais. So we went there to have our lunch on the beach and did an almost 1 ½ km trip to the end of the pier and back. We even could see Dover from there.


The next day we went shopping in Reading since I wanted to go to SportsDirect, a shop with cheap sports clothes. The shop wasn’t there anymore which was bit of a downer for me, but one of my English friends told me there was another big one near Sainsburys. After some shopping a beer on a terrace we went off to the mega store and I finally bought me my Lonsdale tracksuit and some shirts, shorts and underwear. That evening my two Dutch friends with whom I travelled with, cooked a lovely dinner. Don’t ask me where I all put it, but I ate a lot!!

Saturday we didn’t do much. I went for a small shopping trip with one of my English friends and helped him with creating his outfit for the evening. That evening we went to the Eurovision party which was great fun.

On Sunday a walk by the cannel and diner out in the Red Lion, this is one of my favorite pubs over there at the moment.

Home on Monday, except for the place we had lunch I try to forget as much as possible of that trip. We normally have lunch in the train from Dover to Calais, this time we had so much room behind the car, we started a picnic in the train. That was really funny.

Diner Club

Yesterday I had the “Diner Club” kickoff, which meant I had to come up with a diner for seven. Me, being called mister bacon head, absolutely adores Bacon. So it was clear that it would be the main ingredient for my menu. First problem is finding English like bacon in the Netherlands. My mate was friendly enough to go to a butcher and asked for English cut bacon. With that bacon I started to make bacon croquets last week. A recipe I came up with earlier this year when I was making croquets in England. It took me Monday and Tuesday evening to make since you first have to make the ragout and let that cool for a few hours.

But what do you serve with bacon croquets? That answer came from England as well. My friends made me grilled potatoes once which I really liked and go fine with the croquets. My mate came up with the idea of serving them with carrots and sucker snaps. So with the main course ready, what do you use as starter? I asked my English colleague what a typical starter would be in England. He cam up with shrimp salad which I at first found kind of boring. But over a beer in the pub with some friends, of which one used to be a professional chef, I came up with the idea of making a shrimp salad with crunched bacon over it. He came with the idea of serving it in a lead of serving it in a leaf of iceberg lettuce filled with some rucola and then the shrimps and crunched bacon.

Finally desert, that was easier and would be an old time favorite of mine. A French toast made with sugar bread and ice-cream.

Now you think, alright we’ve got a many. But we were not ready. One of the guest is a big one lover and instead of cooking he offered to the sommelier. So now I had to tell him my kind of weird menu and he had to come up with some wines.

Yesterday it all came together. I cleaned the house and went shopping. My mate arrived a bit later but that was no problem since I already had done most of the shopping. We started to prepare as much as we could before the other 5 arrived right on time. The whole evening went perfect. My mate and I were really working on time and together. The people loved the food and all by all a perfect evening.

The next party will be by the end of June and be held on an island if the weather is good enough. But I do not have to worry about that one.

    

Owners' association and coding guidlines

Today was a busy “other” work day. First starting in my new role as backup webmaster. But since I still need to learn a few things about the different webmaster tasks it was a training morning for me. After that I came across some code again from the only one who claims to be senior developer that I took one of my old, or more forgotten, roles within the company more serious again. A group of developers used to be responsible for the code quality on our site. But it feels like fighting a losing battle. We have a coding standards guide which gives rules on how to do hour coding. Apparently a long forgotten document so today I and a colleague picked that document and are currently making it up to date again and add a lot more to it. As off next week we will try to have a short presentation in hour group meetings explaining parts of the document, to make it more alive again. We will try and make it fun as well, although it’s hard to find a good way to do just that.

Anyway, he liked the idea so much that we are really making another effort for it and his energy helped me feeling passionate again about my work and our product. I can’t come up with any good example to explain to you in “normal” words how important it can be for our work.

Tonight we have got the meeting with the owners' association. One meeting I’m not really looking forward to since some people want to make changes to their kitchen door and try to let me have the same done. It’s all about replacing one window for double glass and with a grid. I’ve got three issues with that.
- The wood work is of a poor quality and needs replacing as well.
- Why only one window and not all the windows double glass.
- Who is cleaning the grid in the window? Those things are not really fun to clean!
Yesterday the chairman came to my door again and asked me again why I do not want that window replaced and then told me I had no choice since if the association is going through I will have to follow. That remark is not true at all and pissed me of (to say the least). But just trying to make roux for a sauce I had no time to go into a discussion, and by all means I didn’t wanted to anyway.
Preparing for tonight’s meeting I went through the notes of the last meeting, and there it was. There would be an inventory held who needed new windows, nothing more, nothing less. So his actions where very aggressive towards me. And I do remember him asking me just after last year’s meeting where I told him that just a window is not enough for me and a waste of money.

Tulips, Tulips and more people………….

Earlier this week I met this guy online and ended up having a real nice chat. A bit about live but we ended up chatting about our hobbies. Mine might be obvious, photography and he likes to paint. So I ended up showing him some of my work which he loved. He could even see the deeper meaning in some of the photo’s which I found great. So we decided to share our ideas and maybe do some work together in the future. But since I’m rather booked the next coming weekends with other activities I decided it might as well be a good idea to ask him over on Friday evening to do a “get to know each other” photo shoot. From the time he walked in we were both extremely relaxed. Chat a lot and we took some photos. It’s a really nice guy with a creative and sensitive mind, so we are surly going to do more shoots.

On Saturday morning I woke up rather early, but not feeling too great. But I had to go and meet my English friends in Zandvoort who were over to take moms to the Keukenhof. They bought me a ticket as well so I had to join. I was taken there by other friends and after a coffee we split up and I went to see the Tulips. It was the day of the “bloemen corso” which is a big parade with flowers held every year. So it was extreme busy in the Keukenhof and I ended up more looking at all the different people. Taking pictures of the flowers was very hard to do, since there where German’s and Chinese everywhere. 20 Minutes before the parade would pass, we tried to find a spot along the route. Bad luck since most places where taken already. And moms not being that tall could hardly see any. The only problem we had where the dogs. In order to get them back to the UK they need to see a vet 24 till 48 hours before departure. So I made an appointment at 5pm some 20 minutes from the Keukenhof. In order to get there on time, fighting our way back to the car, we had to leave on time and ended up waiting for the parade for nothing. It was late and after waiting for 50 minutes we really had to leave.

Once at the vet, which was the weirdest woman ever who did not stopped talking, I got a ring from my friends who took me there. If we would like to have dinner at the beach? So they were coming over again and we arrived at exactly the same time. Had a few drinks before taking off to the beach. We found this really good restaurant and after watching the sunset we had a very good meal. Once home I was exhausted and went straight to bed. There was no need to sit in the living room anyway, since the studio was still there.

I just restored my living room to its original state, and am waiting for a friend from Sneek who is coming over. We have to deliver some materials but other than that nothing planned for the day. But it’s lovely weather so we will see what the day will bring. All by all, another great weekend! I might get the hang of it.

Weekend

My weekend was great. It does not happen too often, but last week I was really looking forward to this weekend.


Friday after work I went to the pub as normal. It’s more like a ritual at the moment to meet up with two friends on Friday after work. Normally they are there around 6pm, but when they still not showed up around 7pm I started calling. My mate did not wanted to come, which is his good right, but never the less I missed him. I can be around him 24/7. My other friend just left work but was on his way, so I stayed and waited for him. After a few drinks and going out for diner we went home.

Saturday I went to Amsterdam with a friend from Sneek. He wanted to have a look for some gothic fabric for a coach he is repairing. Good moment for me to have a look for some fabric I wanted for a new table runner, and I wanted a new tracksuit. I ended up with very cheap but nice boat-shoes while my friend couldn’t find anything of his likings. But with the sun shining it was a lovely day anyway. After shopping we went to Dobben for some food and did our normal pub round back to the train. Whenever we take the train though, there is something wrong. So nothing different on our way back. No train to my place from Amsterdam Centraal. We had to take the subway to Duivendrecht and the train to Amserfoort from there. Alright, some food again first and then we walked to the subway which ended up to be extreme busy. But we ended up having a nice chat with the people opposite us. Finally we ended up at my place, some time later than planned. He took a cup of coffee and went home with one of my chairs. It was broken and he is repairing and giving it a new fabric. It’s my birthday present, the other three he will have to do very soon. After he left around 10pm there was nothing on the TV, so I went for a drink to the pub. It’s was quit there, but there were a few friends so it was alright. Went home on time, since I had plans for Sunday as well.

On Sunday I went back to Amsterdam again for a party in a club. I wanted to go there for some time now, but never had the nerves or energy to go there. I told a neighbor about it and he got curious and wanted to come along. Saturday afternoon he send me a text that he didn’t wanted to go. I decided to go anyway and got over my nerves of being alone. I ended up to be a very nice afternoon and I got back home at 8:30pm. Something to do again. I wrote the whole experience on paper, but that is too much to share.

Today was a lovely day again. I solved a lot of issues and felt super. The sun was shining and it was warm outside. One thing that did me very good last year was coming home and sit in the sun on the balcony just to rest for an hour or so. Now it’s a bit early in the season and I’ve got the sun on my balcony from 3pm till 4:30, so I asked if I could leave early and make up for the time later this week. And that is what I did. Went home, changed and sat down on the balcony to write yesterday’s story, which all by all took me the 1 ½ hour in the sun. Just finished writing when the sun went behind a tree when I got the long waited message from England. They booked a holiday for us three.



YEAH, I’m going to the sun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What goes up...

What goes up must come down. And there I was hanging 11 meters high in the sky.

A friend of mine who owns a sailing boat tried to change one of the lines in the mast, but that did not go the way they wanted it to go. It got stuck, and there for either the mast had to come down, or somebody had to go up. Since the latter option is cheaper and easier somebody had to go up and try to fix the problem. And since I am the slimmest of the group, it was me who had to go up.

I thought I would be nervous and the bus trip to the harbor did not do me any good as well. But once there I was feeling pretty relaxed. We had a lovely day with over 20 degrees Celsius. After a smoke they tied me up in some kind of harness, which looks like swing. Then they started to hoist me, which wasn’t as easy as you thought it would be, by the looks of it. I couldn’t really help them, even though you want to. But slowly I went higher and higher…. And higher. Once you’re half way it still looks all normal and alright, but the time you passed that point it all becomes scarier. Once I reached the top I got to do the repair, which on its own is a difficult task because you’re hanging in a weird position. But I managed to get the job done. I had my mates camera with me to take some pictures and by that time the nerves started to kick in. Really 11 meters in a mast is high! But time for me to slowly come down. Did some cleaning on different parts on my way down and even dropped the can of oil in the water. But the job was down, and after another smoke I managed to relax a bit in the sun. In the afternoon I cleaned the inside of the boat while they were putting the sails in.

Once at my friends place we made some dinner and got to babysit the next doors dog. All in all a lovely day, and next time when somebody needs to go up I will not hesitate. I might just even go up to take some pictures if we are in a nice location to do that.

The office

No, not the office at work. My private office has been a mess for a few months. It's a space which I clean up every few month, but never really can find the space to put all the stuff. Now my whole studio equipment and my camera's, are there (or should be) there as well. Simply, I ran out of space and most of the material was just laying around, either in a carton box or just on the floor.

Two weeks ago I got paid for a picture I took two years ago. They should have paid anyway, but decided not to use it. Until I found one of those pictures published. So I called there manager, not angry but surprised. It took some time, but I got some money finally. To be honest, it's more a tip, but enough to by a cabinet fir the office. And so I did.

What the hell did I know. Just putting a bigger cabinet in there, with help from a friend, and then fill it up again. To bad, it's not that easy. I may have got more space, but trying to organize it, it seems less. So it is turning into a multiple step project. All the video cables in a box, and so for al the photo, computer stuff and so on. Then I still need to figure out what I need most.

But just by doing it, I feel more organized again and gives me some energy. One thing I learned during my depression is that sitting still and giving in to it makes it worse. I think or felt like I was there again, to tired to do anything and going down the spiral again. Now I've got a "small" project again and it feels great!

Saturday a good friend is coming, and I’m going to show him what I’ve done, and what more I want to do. Like a new floor, and different desk. It’s always fun to talk about that kind of things. Dream, dream, dream and that is what I’m going to do right now…..

I did it, sort of.......

Today was another stressful day. I thought I did almost all the work yesterday and just had some details to cover today, when disaster stroked. I tried using an existing peace of code, but it turned out there where 3 different type of structures which are the same. Confused? Well I was. It’s the same as training three puppies with the same name. You never know which one is responding to your commands.


But I managed to get it all ready on time, at least that’s what I thought. So I asked a colleague, who needs to test my work anyway, to go over the issues. Then she reminded me that I forgot one big part. Oh ……….. After a few words which I will not repeat, I started to work on that one. But with the code being so crappy already I was kind of lost. Skipped lunched and tried to finish it anyway. Thank god I met here when she went for lunch and asked me if I was going to make it. With pain in my hard I had to tell here it was trouble. Just around 2:30 pm she sends me an email that the later issue can wait. I checked my work in and we made a release…. I did it.. Well part of it anyway, but I was completely empty. So time for my normal walk, and during that walk it hit me. But that has to wait.

Long time...

This week two of my friends asked me why I wasn’t writing in my blog anymore. Well, one thing, I didn’t know people still checked my blog from time to time. But they wanted to hear some of the fun stories as well. Although today’s story isn’t a really happy one, it was a good enough reason to write another blog entry.

A lot of things happened the last few month. A lot of very good things like getting a relation again, and been on a few holidays. But my new boyfriend was about to get married and decided that I was the man he wanted to grow old with and so ended his relationship. With that came a lot of problems on his, but some of it on my path as well. One of the things is that he needed a place to live and was looking for a place very near to my place. Since they still own a house, he has to rent a studio or something. In a lot of those studio’s dogs or cats are not allowed. At one time I said to him not to worry about the dog. In the worst case scenario I might take him, but at the end the worst case scenario became the reality. And he popped the question if I still wanted to have the dog. With only a few hours to decide I had to say no. I really had trouble with that, but with the live I have at the moment and still getting over the depression, I had to decide that it was not really an option for me.

A few days later I had to end the relation all together. That had to do with all the trouble and not having the change to really get to know him on a relaxed and funny way. All together, the door to my hard closed on him. And me for that matter, since it felt like I was going into a depression again.

We still have some contact, but haven’t seen each other until yesterday. I appears that he finally found a place to live, and someone who will take the dog. But his big wish was to have a good photo of him. So I promised him I would try to make that picture. I became a emotional day.

Before I start a shoot I just like to sit and relax a bit, but he was very nervous about seeing me again. So after some questions and then long periods of silence again, I started to take some photos. After a few shoots and beers in between he started to loosen up. We had a good chat about what was and what wasn’t. We bought some pizza’s for diner and watched a movie. It’s still very hard for him to see me as a friend, so I know I will have to limit our contact for some time. And we he busted out in tears in my arms I had my own doubts again. Still I’m sure I made the right decision, but it felt weird.

Today was a very mixed day. Tired of yesterday and my “not sleeping” again. But also thinking about the dog, and that it really was the last time I’ve seen him. And me and the dog where…… well I never had that much feelings for a dog. And a reasonable amount of pressure at work, made it a very unpleased day for me. So the first thing I did was switching on the computer and picked on photo of the dog to put in this blog. It did work out the way I wanted, but still it’s a nice picture which made me feel proud and a bit happy again.