Two weeks

It's has been a while since I wrote another blog, and there is a reason for it. The last two weeks haven't been that good and it's hard for me to explain why and how.

Two weeks ago I suddenly went into an extreme depression where I had a fight with my rational and my emotional me. I had feelings I did not wanted to feel but for some reason not able to switch them off. It was the heaviest one I ever had, and it took a walk to relax a bit and a few days to recover.

Last week I went to Luxembourg with my mate. He works there and since it was a short week, it seemed a nice idea to come along. I knew he had to work and I had to entertain myself, which is something I'm not very good at. All thought it was one day I had for myself, it took all my energy just to keep busy. Been driving around, which is one of my fears but at some point I was getting used to it and even had fun at it. But when it started raining in the afternoon and I had nothing left to do the loneliness took control again.

On Thursday, the day after I came home, there was nothing wrong after I woke up. Started to do some things in the house and really was feeling great. But then without any warning came that feeling again. I did not hesitate this time and went outside for a long walk, and that helped.

This weekend I was invited to go boating, so yesterday after work my mate picked me up and we went to  the boat. The afternoon and evening where fine, all though my mind was not there all the time, but then came the night. Even though I was feeling extreme tired, I did not sleep at all. Thinking and thinking and wanted to go home to my own bed and misery. This morning when I started to hyperventilate it was enough for me, and I went home. Right now I'm sitting here and I'm fighting against another episode.

I hate me!

My apologies for that line, but I had to put it there. I hope the next blog will be more positive.